Chapter Three -- Applications
In
this chapter, we will get more specific about life passages and the
rituals by which we navigate them. We'll present our ideas about the
objectives, considerations, and
resources relevant to some of the life passages you may be asked to
help mark
and celebrate. We'll also share templates and sample rituals for some
of these passages, and thoughts about other passages for which, in our
opinion, rituals still need to be developed.
Most Pagan
rituals of passage are done with the assent, if not active
participation,
of
the focal people. Child blessings may seem to be an exception to this
rule, since
the
child is ordinarily an infant and incapable of informed consent or
knowledgeable
participation in ritual. What really happens in child blessing rites is
that
parents and God/dess parents (and
the community as a whole) promise to nurture and guide the new baby.
When the
child grows up, she or he will make a free and independent choice of
which spiritual Path, if any, to follow. We may hope this will be our
Path, but we know that forcing such a choice makes it meaningless. So,
a
child blessing ritual can be understood as an initiation into
parenthood or God/dess parenthood.
Pagan child blessings serve three
purposes:
- to present the child to family
and
close friends as a new junior member of the community
- to charge, empower and bless
the parents and
sponsors for
the child, and
- to seek the aid and protection
of the Gods for the child, and Their guidance for the caregivers.
Child
blessings are usually done shortly after birth, when the mother and
child are comfortably settled-in together. Besides the
parent(s) and child, other participants in child blessings usually
include
extended family members, friends of the family, and one or more
sponsors, who
have offered to serve as guardians in the event of parental incapacity
or
death, and who may assist the parents in the religious education of the
child.
Advice
to a potential sponsor
The decision
to become a sponsor or God/dess parent for a child should not be made
lightly.
It may entail serving as the child’s temporary or permanent guardian
should the
need arise; it certainly should entail the acceptance of an ongoing
duty of
care to support the child’s parent(s) by offering a listening ear and a
helping
hand. Years later, that same listening ear may be offered to the child,
during
her or his adolescent conflicts with the parents. God/dess parents
often take
on the role of providing such 'extras' as books or musical instruments
or
opportunities to be in nature, things that will nurture the child’s
spiritual
growth in general and expose her or him to Earth religion.
Template
for a Child Blessing
Carson, A.
1989: Blessing of the new baby; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 92 to 96; edited by Anne Carson;
Crossing
Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Fitch, E. and Renee, J.
1984: Magical rites from the Crystal Well;
Llewellyn, St.
Paul; ISBN 0-87542-230-6, 147 pages. Library of Congress call number
BF1611
F53.
Meltzer, D. (ed.)
1981: Birth: an anthology of ancient texts,
songs, prayers and stories;
North Point Press, San Francisco; ISBN
0-86547-005-7, 247 pages; Library of Congress call number GT2460 B57.
Pfost, K.S., Stevens, M.J., and
Matejcak, A.J., Jr.
1990: A counselor’s primer on postpartum
depression; Journal of Counseling and Development,
volume 69, number 2, pages
148 to 151.
Telesco, T.
1993: "Having a magickal child: childbirth and
wiccaning"; in Modern Rites of
Passage, pages 17 to
41; edited by Chas S. Clifton; Llewellyn, St. Paul ; ISBN
0-87542-378-7, 270
pages. Library of Congress call number BF1571 M65.
Initiations
mark intentional personal passages from one state of being to
another. Candidacy
for
initiation is usually earned by the candidate’s own actions, which
indicate their readiness for the initiation. In some groups, the exact
requirements
for initiation are widely made known to potential candidates in order
to guide their work towards being ready. Elsewhere, the
requirements are kept secret, and the candidate’s readiness is
signified by
their unprompted report of a particular dream, or their spontaneous
discovery
of some item of wisdom.
Initiatory
challenges
In tribal
times, initiation into adult status often involved some sort of ordeal
or test.
Many of these were actually life threatening. We are no longer willing
— or
legally able — to risk the lives of our young. Perhaps that's why
adolescent
rites of passage have become vestigial, or disappeared entirely in
recent
years. There's a gap in our culture, which the young instinctively
feel. At the
threshold of adulthood, they have a need to prove themselves. Some
invent their
own risky passage rites — dangerous sports, reckless driving, gangs,
drugs.
Others simply move into their adult years feeling adrift and incomplete.
In the Western world, we've given up
too much. Instead of completely dropping the practice of initiatory
ordeals, we
can fine-tune them to the way we really live now. We couldn't keep them
as they
were, but we can make them much better.
Real challenges don't have to be
either physically risky or illegal. One good recent example was a
coming of age
rite in which the young man was asked to keep up a steady heartbeat
drumbeat
throughout a nightlong ritual. In Proteus Coven, two candidates for
Initiation
were challenged to maintain 24 hours of silence, while
attending a Pagan gathering. Challenges like these, which require
determination and self‑control rather than physical daring, come far
closer to
what modern adult life will demand of the youngster.
Initiatory ordeals that closely
anticipate difficulties the young person might actually encounter,
rather than
anachronistic fantasies, bestow a great gift. When similar problems
actually
arise in real life, the new adult has the confidence of knowing for
sure that
they can cope, because they already did. A successfully met challenge
installs
an empowering memory.
In
the secular realm, those who wish to enter certain professions must
prove the
worth of their training through internship experiences and licensing
examinations. Jobs often begin with probationary periods. From these
models, we
draw the important lesson that the only meaningful test is one that is
actually
failable.
As mentors and initiators, however,
we need to make sure that failure does no permanent harm to the
candidate.
Working back from failure to ultimate success, in fact, can be the most
empowering experience of all. So we need to have some idea of how to
continue
developmental work with candidates who fail on their first try (or even
their
first several tries). Until we know what to do when someone fails, we
are
unlikely to have the guts to set the bars high enough for success to
really
mean something to the one who has met the challenge.
Your
own challenge
Here is a
challenge for you, the reader, whatever age you are: identify what
might be a
meaningful challenge for you. Whether or
not you choose to do whatever it is, just the exercise of figuring it
out will
help you think better about the next adolescent or candidate for
initiation. Of
course, the better the challenger knows the candidate, the more the
challenge
can be designed to push on dysfunctional habits or self‑imposed limits.
Hint:
watch for any area where the person habitually says "I can't," and
this does not seem literally true.
Challenges were never part of Judy’s
Craft training or practice, but they always have been part of
Gwyneth's. So
when we married and learned to work together, some challenges came
Judy’s way
and she’s had the opportunity to observe some others close up. She’s
now a big
believer in them. Regardless of any community acknowledgment, there is
an
immediate and inherent payoff to the individual who has successfully
met a
challenge ‑ a new self-confidence, a greater internal
freedom of action.
Many cultures
offer an initiatory passage
from childhood into adolescence. This passage often occurs at or soon
after the
candidate’s puberty. Entry into adolescence ordinarily entails ritual
severance
of the candidate’s ties to childhood by surrender
of some of their familiar possessions followed by a gift of
objects more suited to their new status as adolescents. For example, at
a
Hispanic girl’s coming-of-age, called her quincenera,
her father kneels before her, removes her flat slippers and replaces
them with
high-heeled dancing shoes.
Template
for Entry into Adolescence
Arthen, S.
“Puberty”
published in Fireheart issue number 3
and available via the Web at <http://www.earthspirit.com/fireheart/fhpub.html>
Blackburn, A.C. and
Erickson, D.B.
1986: Predictable crises of
the gifted
student; Journal of Counseling and
Development, volume 64, number 9, pages 552 to 555.
Buckley,
Thomas and Alma Gottlieb, eds.
1988: Blood
Magic: The Anthropology of Menstruation; University of California Press, Berkeley;
ISBN 0-520-06350-3, 326 pages. Library of Congress call number GN484.38
B56
1988.
Budapest, Z.E.
1989b: Rite of
self-dedication for young men; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 252 to 253; edited by
Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5,
290
pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Carson, A.
1989a: The time
of letting go: adolescence; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 217 to 229; edited by
Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5,
290
pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Carson, A.
1989b: Menarche;
in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 254 to 259; edited by Anne Carson;
Crossing
Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
Erikson, E. H.
1968: Identity,
youth and crisis; W.W.Norton, New York; 336 pages. Library of
Congress call
number BF697 E7.
Mariechild, D.
1989: Sharing a
spiritual path with adolescents; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age, pages 230 to 235; edited by
Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom (California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5,
290
pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5 S675 1989.
For most of
human history, puberty marked a person’s entry into adult privilege and
responsibility, as most young people were established in trades and
married by
their early to mid teens. Back then, one ritual – Confirmation or Bar
Mitzvah in European cultures –
marked these concurrent changes in both bodily development and social
role.
Adolescence emerged as a separate life stage only in the First World, and only after technological
advances both allowed
society to do without teenagers' labor and changed work so that jobs
now
require more years of formal education and training.
Today, Bar Mitzvahs and Confirmations, still celebrated
at the
traditional time of puberty, mark the passage from childhood to
adolescence for the children of our neighbors. Statements made
within those rites that the person is now an adult ring hollow.
And nothing much marks the passage from adolescence to adulthood.
The average High School or College graduation exercise is a pretty
pallid rite.
In North America, entry into
adulthood is marked by a variety of nearly-universal secular events: we
take
our first legal drink in a tavern, we register to vote (and sometimes
register for
the draft), we obtain our driver’s license, we rent our first apartment
and
move away from our childhood home. Most of us graduate from school. For
some of us, this passage is marked by our first scary encounter with
unplanned
pregnancy.
All of these events have this in
common: they mark acceptance of adult-level responsibilities and
privileges,
with adult-level consequences for failure or default. Clearly, this
passage can
be eased by parents who offer their advice and counsel to their
grown-up
offspring — and who make good on that offer when so asked.
Although we have plenty of these
secular markers of the passage from adolescence to adulthood, we don’t
yet have
many religious rituals to
mark this very important life passage. We need an
adulthood rite.
Click here
for our first attempt
at
writing
such a
ritual.
Carnes, M. C.
1989: Secret
ritual and manhood in Victorian America;
Yale University Press, New Haven;
ISBN 0-300-05146-8, 226 pages. Library of Congress call number HS204
C37.
Carson, A.
1989c: Celebrating the
driver’s
license; in Spiritual parenting in
the New Age, pages 240 to 241; edited by Anne Carson; Crossing Press,
Freedom
(California); ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of Congress call
number
BL625.5 S675 1989.
Erikson, E. H.
1978: Adulthood;
W.W.Norton, New York; ISBN 0-393-09086-8, 276
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF724.5 A35
Foster, S.
1989b: Passage into manhood; in Spiritual parenting
in the New Age,
pages 242 to 251; edited by Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom
(California);
ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5
S675
1989.
Liptak, K.
1994: Coming-of-age:
traditions and rituals around the world; Millbrook
Press, Brookfield (Connecticut),
126 pages. Library of Congress call number GN483.3 L57 1994.
Judith, A.
1993: Between the Worlds: Late
adolescence and early adulthood in modern Paganism; in Modern Rites of Passage, pages 75
to 91; edited by Chas S.
Clifton; Llewellyn, St. Paul; ISBN 0-87542-378-7, 270 pages. Library of
Congress call number BF1571 M65.
Mahdi, L.C., Foster, S. and
Little, M. (eds.)
1987: Betwixt
& between: patterns of masculine and feminine initiation; Open Court, La Salle (Illinois);
ISBN 0-8126-9048-6, 513 pages. Library of Congress call number GN473
B47.
Meade, M.
1993: Men and the
water of life: initiation and the tempering of men;
HarperSanFrancisco, ISBN 0-06-250726-5, 442 pages. Library of Congress
call
number HQ1090 M4.
Raphael, R.
1988: The men
from the boys: rites of passage in male America;
ISBN 0-8032-8937-5, 228 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ799.6
R36.
Roberts, W.O. Jr.
1982: Initiation
into adulthood: an ancient rite in contemporary form;
Pilgrim Press, New York;
ISBN 0-8298-0629-6, 182 pages. Library of Congress call number BV783
I54 R63.
Wallace, R.
1989: Initiation into
womanhood; in Spiritual
parenting in the New Age,
pages 260 to 269; edited by Anne Carson; Crossing Press, Freedom
(California);
ISBN 0-89594-356-5, 290 pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.5
S675
1989.
Of the four
initiatory passages — child blessing, entry into adolescence,
coming-of-age,
and ordination — only ordination is independent of bodily changes.
Readiness
for ordination is ordinarily a matter of having completed a certain
level of
religious or secular education, supported by appropriate life
experience.
Certainly, in everyday speech we
associate ordination with a religious context, but it has its secular
equivalents in the formal initiations into professional ‘priesthood’:
passing
the Bar Exam and being recognized as an barrister or attorney,
completing
internship and passing the State Boards for certification as a
psychologist;
being accepted into the ancient office of the Calling of the Engineer
and
accepting the iron ring in token of the engineer’s duty of care. These
vocations are as sacred as any religious office. And, just as with
religious
initiations, the secrets of these secular/professional passages are
zealously
guarded.
Religious initiation, ordination
into priesthood, is familiar to many Pagans. Each of the Pagan
religious orders
has its own Traditional notion of how such an initiation should be
done, and of
standards for candidacy. Most of those details are held secret by the
initiates: we would no more tell a Druid about the details of our
passage
through the Gardnerian Wiccan rites than we would expect the Druid to
tell us
about her initiatory experiences.
All initiations involve a separation
from ordinary ways of being: whether it be blindfolded entry into a
maze, or
silent enclosure in an academic examination room. While in that
different
state, the candidate must pass certain tests, and learns certain
secrets
(whether the be the names of the sacred plants of the Tradition, or the
number
and content of the questions on an examination paper.) Finally, the
candidate
returns, transformed, to the ordinary world. Click here
for a template for
a generic
ordination based upon our understanding of common themes within
Pagan
Traditions. Please remember, though, that ordinations are
Tradition-specific; this is not a ‘one size fits all’ situation.
Bado-Fralick, N.
2005: Coming to the Edge of the Circle: A Wiccan
Initiation Ritual; Oxford
University Press, New York;
ISBN 0-19-516645-0, 181 pages. Library of Congress call number B:615
B33 2005
Eliade, M.
1958: Rites and
symbols of initiation: the mysteries of birth and rebirth;
Harper Torchbooks, New York; ISBN 0-06-131236-3, 175
pages.
Library of Congress call number BL615 E4 1958.
Slater, H. (ed.)
1978: A book of
pagan rituals; re-issued as one volume by Samuel Weiser, New York; ISBN 0-87728-348-6, 142
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF1566 B64.
Starhawk
1999: The spiral
dance: a rebirth of the ancient religion of the Great
Goddess; HarperSanFrancisco, San Francisco; ISBN 0-06-250815-6, 326
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF1566 S77 1999.
A handfasting, or a wedding,
is not a marriage. A
marriage is what follows the ritual: years and decades of living the
commitments that were made, the realization of their hopes and desires
to spend
their lives in each other’s company. The gender and number of the
people making
and living the commitment is fundamentally irrelevant to the existence
of a
marriage; such considerations only come into play when we try to
register a
marriage with the State.
As clergy, we are not in the
business of marrying people. People
marry each other. The living heart of marriage is the self-created
bond, which can survive, as one of Judy’s did, lifelong
without either religious or legal validation. Nevertheless, both
legal and religious support systems are available to those marriages
which both
desire this support and satisfy the definition held by the government
and by
their members’ particular faith tradition.
Our role as clergy is to assist the
people in discerning their true will concerning marriage, to assist
them in
enacting and celebrating that commitment before their families and
community so
that it will be known, recognized and supported, and to remain
accessible to
the people if they subsequently seek our aid and counsel. Marriage
rituals can
take the form of ‘traditional’ North American weddings, or
handfastings, or
many other forms. We will discuss handfastings and weddings in detail
because
those are the forms of marriage rites we are most commonly called to
perform.
Marriage can also sometimes be a
legally-recognized civil contract. There are some advantages to this,
which is
why gay and lesbian people are struggling to secure the option of legal
recognition and protection for their marriages. Nevertheless, it is
love, not
law, that makes a marriage and a family.
- The
celebrants must be of
legal minimum age for marriage.
- In
most jurisdictions, one of the
celebrants must be male, and one must be female.
- The
celebrants must be legally
free to marry (i.e., they must not presently be married to someone
else; they
must not be close kin by blood.)
- The
celebrants must be
competent: they must be capable of understanding what they are about to
do, and
they must not be intoxicated.
- The
handfasting or wedding ceremony,
whether formal or informal, must occur before witnesses. The witnesses
must be of
legal age.
- The
celebrants must obtain, and
properly execute and return, a marriage license.
- Legal
requirements for clergy
registration vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction. Be sure you know
them and
have satisfied them where the marriage is to be performed. Never tell people that you can
perform a legally recognized wedding unless you have first secured your
own
legal clergy status! (You can find a state-by-state
guide to legal requirements here, but
please check that the information for your state is current, and please let us
know any new information you find.)
by Elsa Die
Löwin
1.
Meet with the people to see if you can
work with them. This isn't usually a problem. Most of the people we
have
handfasted were friends of ours for years before. Occasionally, pushy
people
will try to pressure you when you don't feel right about them. Don't be
afraid
to be picky. If you don't feel right, say "no". Until you accept the
job, you have no obligation.
2.
Ask the people questions to establish
compatibility. You probably don't want to do a handfasting that won’t
or
shouldn't stick. You have the option of offering a set term, such as a
year and
a day.
3.
Working with the people, pull together
the ritual. They may wish to write most of it themselves, or they may
wish to
cut and paste from others’ sources, or they may want you to tell them
what to
do. Remember that this has to be a ritual that you are willing to do
without
reservation and that they will have to live with and by.
4.
Stay in touch as the handfasting date
approaches. Otherwise intelligent people turn into absentminded fools
in the
face of transitions such as this.
5.
Help work out the staging aspect of the
ritual, where people will stand, where the perimeter of the circle will
be,
etc.
6.
Be on time, or even a little bit early
for rehearsals and the ceremony. You will probably have to help some of
the
folks get grounded. This is not the time to run on "Pagan Standard
Time".
7.
Wear something in keeping with the
situation. The bride may volunteer an opinion. If she doesn't, ask. I
have a
white linen suit to look "normal" and dignified, as well as a variety
of robes and period costumes.
8.
Marriage
Licenses can be signed before, during, or after the ceremony. It is up
to the
people to get the license, but there are spaces for you to fill in. In California,
you must perform the ceremony and/or sign the licensee in the same
county that
issues the license, and it must be used and sent in within a certain
time
period. You must stay within the spaces provided (no writing into the
margins)
and may not use abbreviations. It is a kindness to your newlyweds if
you take
responsibility for mailing it off.
9.
Be honest and discreet depending on the
level of out-of-the-broomcloset-ness of the people with respect to the
guests.
10. Your
responsibilities do not include deciding the date, time, location,
colors,
theme, flowers, seating, reception menu, clothing, etc. Those decisions
properly belong to the couple, the maid-of- honor, mother of the bride,
or
wedding consultant; they are not your problem.
11. You
are also not obliged to keep Aunt Busybody or anyone else happy. You
and the
people may wish to assign others to keeping the situation grounded.
Just be
polite. You are answerable only to the couple you have agreed to
handfast.
by
Spellweaver
1.
What
does marriage mean to you?
2.
Why
do you wish to marry this person?
3.
How,
or in what ways, do you believe marriage may change your relationship?
4,
How
long have you known each other? How long have you been in this
relationship?
5.
How
did you meet, and what first attracted you to this person?
6.
What
do you like about this person? Dislike?
7.
If
you could change one thing about this person, what would it be?
(To the other partner) Knowing this, how
do you feel about this? Are you willing to work on this issue?
8.
How
is your sex life? Who is the primary initiator?
If more one than the other, how
do you feel about that?
9.
Do
you plan on having children?
If yes:
A)
How many children?
B)
Who will be the primary care-giver?
C)
How do you see yourself as a
parent....strict? lenient? . ...what do you
believe will
be your primary method of parenting? Have you discussed
child-rearing?
If no:
What
will you
do if one of you becomes accidentally pregnant?
10.
Does
either of you have children from a previous relationship?
If yes:
A)
Will the children be living with you? If
not, who is the primary
caretaker
and what are your visitation rights? your child-support obligations?
B)
How do the children effect your current
relationship?
C). How
is the relationship between the
children and your fiancée?
If not good: What steps are you making
to try to make it better?
D)
If you are the primary caretaker, what
will happen to the children in the
event of your death or incapacity?
Is your fiancée willing to take on the
responsibility
of raising the children? If not, who will be responsible?
11.
How
are your "lines of communication"? Do you feel comfortable discussing
difficult issues or emotions - such as anger or disappointment caused
by your
partner?
12.
Every
couple can expect that there will be times when you will fight. How do
you
fight and/or express anger with each other?
13.
What
are you willing to do to help work through those difficult times and
keep your
lines of communication open? (e.g.: enter into counseling, give each
other
space/time, etc.)
14.
What
is the one thing that your partner could do or say that would cause you
to end
this relationship?
15.
What
are you prepared to vow or commit to each other?
Template
for a Handfasting Ritual
Resources for Handfasting Rituals
Ardinger,
B.
1992: A woman’s
book of rituals and celebrations; New World Library, San
Rafael (California);
ISBN 0-93143-290-1, 212 pages. Library of Congress call number BL725.7
A55.
Arthen, S.
“Handfasting” published in
Fireheart
#1 and available via the Web at <http://www.earthspirit.com/fireheart/fhhafas.html>
Budapest, Z.E.
1989: The holy
book of women's mysteries; Wingbow Press, Berkeley (California),
308 pages. Library of Congress call number BF1566 B78 1989.
Butler, B. (ed.)
1990: Ceremonies
of the heart: celebrating lesbian unions; Seal Press,
Seattle; 308 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ75.6 U5 C47.
Charboneau-Harrison, J.
1993: Handfasting: marriage
and the
modern Pagan in Modern Rites of
Passage, pages 165 to 187; edited by Chas S. Clifton; Llewellyn, St.
Paul; ISBN
0-87542-378-7, 270 pages. Library of Congress call number BF1571 M65.
Dunwich, G.
1992: The secrets
of love magick; Citadel Press, New York; ISBN 0-8065-1365-9; 206
pages.
Library of Congress call number BF1623 L6 D86.
Farrar, J. and Farrar, S.
1981: Eight
sabbats for Witches; Robert Hale, London;
192 pages. Library of Congress call number BF1571 F34.
Fitch, E. and Renee, J.
1984: Magical
rites from the Crystal Well; Llewellyn, St.
Paul; ISBN 0-87542-230-6, 147 pages. Library of Congress call number
BF1611
F53.
Kaldera, R. and Schwartzstein,
T.
2003: Handfasting
and wedding rituals: welcoming Hera's blessing;
Llewellyn Publications, St. Paul (Minnesota);
ISBN 0-7387-0470-9, 320 pages. Library of Congress call number GT2690
K35.
Lewin, E.
1998: Recognizing
ourselves: ceremonies of lesbian and gay commitment;
Columbia University Press, New York,
288 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ76.3 U5 L49.
Thorsson, E.
1989: A book of
Troth; Llewellyn Publications, St. Paul
(Minnesota);
ISBN 0-87542-777-4, 226 pages. Library of Congress call number BL860 T52
¤ ¤ ¤
When a wedding
is depicted on television show or in a movie, it is most likely to be a
formal
North American secular wedding. For artistic and dramatic purposes, the
portrayal of the wedding may be abridged, but it will almost certainly
contain
a few elements which will establish, for the benefit of its viewers,
that it is
indeed intended to depict a wedding. These elements include: a woman
dressed in
a fancy white gown, a man dressed in a formal black suit, a ceremonial
procession to the altar accompanied by Felix Mendelssohn’s classic Wedding March (more commonly known as Here
Comes the Bride), the exchange of
wedding vows (inevitably including the words, “I do!” from both
celebrants) in
the presence of an elderly clergyman, an exchange of rings, and a
ceremonial
recession from the altar to the tune of Wagner’s Tannhauser
march.
You may be asked to officiate at the
wedding of friends who are not religiously affiliated, but who know you
are
“into something spiritual” and would rather be married by a friend than
by a
stranger. It’s better to use a generic or secular ritual rather than to
impose our
religious rites on them. You might also choose to do a “plain vanilla”
ceremony
for Pagans who are not “out” to their families.
Template for a secular wedding
A
sample of
a simple secular wedding ceremony, along with much more information on
secular weddings, can be found on retired Judge Carolyn Hayek's web
site.
However, none of those elements,
except for the exchange of vows, and the legal paperwork, are really
needed for a generic
wedding. It
works perfectly well for the celebrants and witnesses to meet with the
clergy-person and the witnesses over a cup of tea, and simply have the
celebrants
exchange
statements of their intent to be married and then exchange their vows.
Provided
that the marriage license is properly executed and returned to the
registering
agency, that’s all it takes to perform a legal wedding.
Arisian, K.
1973: The new
wedding: creating your own marriage ceremony; Knopf, New York; ISBN 0-394-48334-0, 175
pages.
Library of Congress call number BV199 M3 A74.
Biddle, P.H.
1974: Abingdon
marriage manual; Abingdon Press, Nashville (Tennessee);
ISBN 0-687-00484-5, 254 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 M3
B47.
Brill, M.L., Halpin, M. and
Gennâe, W.H. (eds.)
1979: Write your
own wedding: a personal guide for couples of all faiths;
Association Press, Chicago; ISBN 0-69581-146-0; 115 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BL619 M37 B75.
Broderick, C.B.
1995: Marriage;
entry in World Book Encyclopedia, 66th edition, volume
13, pages 219 to 222.
Christensen, J.L.
1974: The
minister’s marriage handbook; Revell, Old Tappan (New Jersey); 159 pages. Library of
Congress
call number BV199 M3 C5.
Dallen, J.
1971: Liturgical
celebration: possible patterns; North American Liturgy
Resources, Cincinnati (Ohio);
89 pages. Library of Congress call number BX2169 D34.
Glusker, D. and Misner, P.
1986: Words for
your wedding: the wedding service book; Harper & Row, San Francisco;
155 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 M3 W67 1986.
Hudson, H.
1995: Civil rites
and ceremonies; Heritage Press, Otaki (New Zealand).
2001: Vows;
Priory Press, Te Horo Beach,
Otaki (New Zealand);
ISBN 0-958-2289-0-6.
Kingma, D.R.
1991: Weddings
from the heart; Conari Press,
Berkeley ; ISBN 0-94323-394-1, 191 pages.
Kischenbaum, J. and Stensrud,
R.
1974: The wedding
book: alternative ways to celebrate marriage; Seabury
Press, New York;
ISBN 0-8164-2090-4, 277 pages.
Klausner, A.J.
1986: Weddings: a
complete guide to all religious and interfaith marriage
services; Signet, New York;
ISBN 0-451-15389-8, 221 pages. Library of Congress call number BL619
M37 K55.
Lalli, C.G.
1992: Modern
Bride wedding celebrations: the complete wedding planner for
today’s bride; John Wiley & Sons, New York; ISBN 0-47156882-1;
217
pages. Library of Congress call number BJ2051 L35.
Levin, L. and Bellotti, L.G.
1994: Creative
weddings: an up-to-date guide for making your wedding as
unique as you are; Penguin Books, New York; ISBN 0-452-27203-3, 246
pages.
Library of Congress call number HQ745 L46.
Mason, P.
2004: Weddings;
Heinemann Library, Chicago; ISBN 1-4034-2515-9, 32 pages.
Library of Congress call number GT2665 M37 2004.
Metrick, S.B.
1992: I do: a
guide to creating your own unique wedding ceremony;
Celestial Arts, Berkeley (California);
ISBN 0-89087-679-7, 134 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ745
M64.
Nichols, W.C.
1996: Marriage;
entry in Encyclopedia Americana, 68th edition, volume
18, pages 345 to 353.
Styles, F.A.
1970: A secular
marriage service; Styles, Willowdale (Ontario);
12 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ745 S8.
Wall, W.S.
1973: The
creative wedding handbook; Newman Press, New York; ISBN 0-80910-177-7, 163
pages.
Library of Congress call number BV199 M3 W34.
Marriage
begins with love and hope. When it ends, it ends, always, in
disappointment and
sorrow. Too often, there is also considerable anger and bitterness. How
else
could it be, with humans?
Divorce
is much more prevalent these days than in prior generations. In some
areas, an
actual majority of marriages end in divorce. This is as much a
life-changing
event as getting married, and people navigating this sad passage also
need and
deserve rituals to assist them in finding a new way of being.
There is real work, both practical
and emotional, involved in severing bonded lives, work that cannot be
done in
one evening. The purpose of a handparting is to release the divorced
people to
get on with their lives, perhaps to love and marry again. It marks the
end of a
long, difficult, and usually painful process. Done prematurely, it will
fail
and the experience of such failure will make it harder for rituals to
work for
these people in the future. It’s better if these things happen first:
·
legal
divorce is completed.
·
property
arrangements are made and on
their way to being implemented.
·
mutually
satisfactory arrangements are
in place for the care of any children.
·
the
former spouses have worked through
the process of grieving their marriage and come to acceptance.
Under those
circumstances, it is possible that people who were once bonded lovers
may some
day become friends.
Handparting rites should include the
partners’ mutual release of each other from their marital vows and
deconsecration
and return of the marital tokens (such as rings or bracelets) that had
been
exchanged at
their handfasting. The tokens
may be retained by their original donor, or (perhaps a better choice)
cast into
a stream or other moving body of water, or buried.
You may find a
situation where one partner is ready to move on while another is stuck.
Be
mindful of the power of anger in this situation! It is better to make a
clean
parting for the one, even if the other partner is unwilling to end the
marriage.
When only one of the partners wishes
to leave the relationship, a different kind of handparting can be done,
directed only toward the person who actively seeks release. This would
be more
like a resolution ritual (more on these below), As in the case of a
mutual
handparting, the departing person should ritually deconsecrate their
tokens of
marriage, and then return the tokens to her or his former partner if
possible, or release then to Nature. When
possible, the other partner should be notified that such a ritual has
taken
place, as that knowledge may help clear the blocks he or she is facing.
If the
former partner was abusive, however, it might be safer to avoid all
communication.
Template
for a Handparting
Fisher, Bruce
2005: Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends;
Impact Books (and associated workbook)
Ford, Debbie
2006: Spiritual
Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life;
HarperOne
Prior
to the Industrial Revolution,
much of European and North American life was sustained by human
muscle power. Young and middle-aged people worked the land, erected
buildings, or did other labor-intensive activities. Older people,
who had
worn out their bodily strength, were charged with passing their skills
and
knowledge on to the younger generation of workers. The passage into
elderhood
was thus marked by a significant change in daily activities, from
bodily work
to knowledge work.
Nowadays, we live longer, and most
of us live more easily. We apply our skills and knowledge throughout
our
working lives, and the transition from energetic adulthood to elderhood
is more
gradual. These days, Western culture devalues elderhood: mainstream
economists and marketers view elders as non-productive dead weight,
consuming resources
that should be released and redirected to use by younger generations.
Many of us have
been
brought up to view old age as a time of weakness and abandonment, of
isolation
from the ebb and flow of our culture and society.
It doesn’t need to be that way. As
the Pagan community continues to age and grow, we are beginning to
understand
the need for rites of passage into elderhood.
Our elder women are asserting their
value as healers, mediators, teachers, holders of the collective
memories of our
community. They have reclaimed the title of Crone as a celebration of
maturity,
and they have written croning rituals which have been widely published
in
journals such as Crone Chronicles.
Menopause serves many as a
convenient
marker for
croning; some women choose instead to have their cronings when the last
of
their children leave home to make their own lives, or they do their
cronings at
their 50th birthday or some similarly-auspicious date. Judy’s took
place when
she retired from paid employment.
Women are in the forefront of this
movement, but there’s no reason why we cannot honor our wise men as
well as
our wise women. Perhaps a suitable honorific title for our wise men
would be
Sage, although to call their rite of eldering a “sageing” sounds rather
more
culinary than ceremonial! It might be better to just adopt “eldering”
as a
gender-inclusive term for this rite.
Sample Croning Ritual
Some Resources for
Croning/Eldering:
Arthen, S.
“Crones and Wise Men”
published in Fireheart issue number 4 and available
via the Web at <http://www.earthspirit.com/fireheart/fhcrow.html
>
Crone Chronicles: A journal of
conscious aging
(serial): from Anne Kreilkamp,
Kelly (Wyoming);
quarterly; available via the Web at http://www.cronechronicles.com
Erikson, E. H., Erikson, J.M,
and
Kivnick, H.Q.
1986: Vital
involvement in old age; W.W.Norton, New York; ISBN 0-393-31216-X, 352
pages.
Library of Congress call number HQ1061 E75.
Harris, M.
1995: Jubilee
time: celebrating women, spirit and the advent of age;
Bantam, New York;
ISBN 0-553-09986-8, 224 pages. Library of Congress call number BV5479.5
H38.
Lincoln, B.
1991: Emerging
from the chrysalis: rituals of women’s initiation; Oxford
University Press, New York;
163 pages. Library of Congress call number GN483.3 L56 1991.
Raup, J.L. and Myers, J.E.
1989: The empty nest syndrome:
myth or
reality; Journal of Counseling and
Development, volume 68, number 2, pages 180 to 183.
Rountree, C.
1993: On women
turning 50: celebrating mid-life discoveries; HarperSanFrancisco, San Francisco;
ISBN 0-06-250668-4, 214 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ1059.5
U5
R684.
Thone, R.R.
1992: Women and
aging: celebrating ourselves; Harrington Park Press, New York; ISBN 1-56023-005-3, 152
pages.
Library of Congress call number HQ1064 U5 T46.
Washbourn, P.
1977: Becoming
woman: the quest for wholeness in female experience;
Harper & Row, San Francisco, ISBN 0-06-069261-8, 174
pages.
Library of Congress call number HQ1206 W27.
1979: Seasons of
woman: song, poetry, ritual, prayer, myth, story;
Harper&Row, San Francisco,
ISBN 0-06-069258-8, 176 pages. Library of Congress call number PN6071
W7 S4.
Ward, E.
1992: Celebrating
ourselves: a crone ritual book; Astarte Shell Press, Portland (Maine);
ISBN 0-96246-263-2, 43 pages. Library of Congress call number BL625.7
C45.
When someone
dies, the law requires that some sort of cremation or burial be done
within a
reasonable length of time (generally within two weeks of death). In
practice,
these arrangements are usually made by the deceased person’s next of
kin or
their chosen agent within a day after death, and the cremation or
burial is
seldom delayed beyond three working days.
Mainstream North American practice
calls for a fairly elaborate set of funeral
rites, which may or may not take place in the presence of the body of
the
deceased person. An increasingly-popular alternative dispenses
altogether with
the ceremonial aspects of a funeral, and simply proceeding directly to
disposition (by expeditious burial or cremation) of the body, followed
by a memorial ritual at some later time.
This practice is more likely to be done when the choice has been made
to
cremate rather than bury the body of the deceased.
Most funerals
in mainstream practice include two ceremonies: a brief religious
service -- usually held at a funeral chapel or a house of worship --
and a
subsequent
simple graveside ceremony, done as the deceased’s body or ashes are
lowered
into the Earth. Many variations exist on this basic theme: the books
listed as
references to this section (most notably Draznin’s classic, The
Business of Dying) can provide
greater detail on the mechanics and ceremonies of funerals.
Dealing
with the practicalities of a funeral
The North
American funeral industry is controlled by about a dozen corporations
and
franchise networks; the result of this concentration of control is an
increasing secularization of death rituals, at least within
‘mainstream’ North
American culture.
When someone arranges a funeral
through a funeral director, they may specify that they would like a
certain
clergy-person to conduct the service, in which case the funeral
director will
make the arrangements for that person (or someone else, if s/he is
unavailable)
to attend and officiate, and will add a charge for his/her services to
the
funeral bill. The funeral director mails a check to the clergy-person,
who is
essentially acting as a sub-contractor, once all of the burial and
funeral
charges have been paid in full.
Officiating clergy are paid an
honorarium based on ‘the going rate’ is in their community. You cannot
refuse
to accept this honorarium without disrupting their entire bookkeeping
system
(and probably also confusing them far beyond their comfort level.) If
you are philosophically
opposed to accept payment for priestly services, as we are, simply
donate the
honorarium to an appropriate charity, in honor of the deceased. If the
family
has requested charitable donations instead of flowers, the charity they
suggest
would be the obvious choice.
Most commercial funeral directors
(who prefer to advertise as ‘morticians’, ‘mortuary services’ or
funeral
‘parlors’ or ‘homes’ rather than the older and less-euphemistic title,
‘undertakers’) maintain rosters of clergy-people, sorted out by
religion and
denomination, unless they are closely associated with one specific
parish or
synagogue (which is more likely in a large city than a small town,
where the
only funeral director must take all customers). Each funeral director
keeps a separate
roster, in much the same way that hospitals keep separate lists of
chaplains.
As a Pagan clergy-person, you need
to know how to work the system, in order to serve your community
effectively.
To get on a funeral roster, write a letter of introduction for yourself
to the
funeral director -- all it needs to state is that you are a Pagan
clergy-person
of whatever order you happen to belong to; that you are available to
officiate
at funerals for people of your faith, and that you may be reached at
such-and-such
a telephone number and mailing address. You may find your task eased by
being
able to state that you are an ordinand of a particular Pagan church:
such as
the Covenant of the Goddess, the New Wiccan Church,
or the Communitarian Church.
Provided that you haven’t made a
shambles of things at the funeral parlor or the graveside, you can
expect to
continue to receive calls to do funerals -- one hopes that they will be
few and
far between, owing to the lasting good health of your Pagan neighbors!
You may want to
take along a small kit of ritual tools. A sword or staff may get some
surprised
responses from the staff at the funeral parlor or cemetery. An incense
burner,
on the other hand, is a virtually universal tool for all officiating
clergy of
whatever faith; add to this a small knife, wand or feather as you see
fit, and
perhaps containers of water, salt, oil or herbs, and you have a basic
ritual
kit for a funeral.
After the funeral is done, there is
usually a reception or luncheon of some sort. If you have celebrated
the
funeral in a church sanctuary, then the reception will probably be in a
meeting
area elsewhere in the building. If the funeral was conducted at a
funeral
parlor or cemetery, the reception will probably be at the home of the
next of
kin or their close friends. In either case, as an officiating
clergy-person it
is customary for you to attend the reception for a half-hour or so,
partake
lightly of the refreshments and make yourself discreetly available for
conversations with whoever approaches you to talk.
Of course, if the deceased or bereaved were
members of your own home group, you will stay longer and interact more.
Bear in mind the reason for your
attendance, and don’t fall into the trap of sermonizing at the
reception -- the
time for such things is at the funeral, not the reception. When it’s
time to
depart, check-in discreetly with the next-of-kin, and leave your
calling card
for later reference.
Sample
Secular/Generic Funeral Ceremony
Memorials
Memorial rites
are much less bound by mainstream custom and tradition than funerals,
so we can more easily tailor them.to the
needs of the
bereaved people. If you are working with a small religious group such
as a
Wiccan coven or Druid grove, consider asking for the aid of your group
in
conducting the rite; your colleagues can help you with the logistics
and with the important
work of
being there as listeners and comforters.
Template
for a Pagan Memorial Ritual
Alexander, J.A.C. and Harman,
R.L.
1988: One counselor’s
intervention in
the aftermath of a middle school student’s suicide: a case study; Journal of Counseling and Development,
volume 66, number 6, pages 283 to 285.
Arthen, S.
“Circle around Death” published
in Fireheart, issue number 2,
available via Web at:
<http://www.earthspirit.com/fireheart/fhcirad.html>
Bailey, R.W.
1976: The
minister and grief; Hawthorn Books, New York; ISBN 0-80155-074-2, 114
pages.
Library of Congress call number BT825 B26.
Bendann, E.
1990: Death
customs: an analytic study of burial rites; Omnigraphics, Detroit;
304 pages. Library of Congress call number GT3150 B35.
Biddle, P.H.
1976: Abingdon
funeral manual; Abingdon Press, Nashville (Tennessee);
ISBN 0-687-00469-1, 252 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 F8
B47.
Blackwood, A.W.
1942: The
funeral, a source book for ministers; Westminster Press, Philadelphia (Pennsylvania);
253 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 F8 B55.
Christensen, J.L.
1967: The
complete funeral manual; Fleming H. Revell, Westwood (New Jersey); 159 pages. Library of
Congress
call BV199 F8 C48.
Deits, B.
1988: Life after
loss: a personal guide dealing with death, divorce, job
change and relocation; Fisher Books, Tucson (Arizona); ISBN
1-55561-008-0, 226 pages; Library of
Congress call number BF575 D35 D45.
Draznin, Y.
1976: How to
prepare for death: a practical guide; Hawthorn Books, New York; ISBN 0-8015-3736-3, 228
pages.
Library of Congress call number GT3203 D7.
Feinstein, D. and Mayo, P.E.
1993: Mortal
acts: eighteen empowering rituals for confronting death;
HarperSanFrancisco; ISBN 0-06-250330-8, 124 pages. Library of Congress
call
number BF789 D4 F455.
Fitch, E. and Renee, J.
1984: Magical
rites from the Crystal Well; Llewellyn, St.
Paul; ISBN 0-87542-230-6, 147 pages. Library of Congress call number
BF1611
F53.
Freeman, S.J.
1991: Group facilitation of
the
grieving process with those bereaved by suicide; Journal
of Counseling and Development, volume 69, number 4, pages
328 to 331.
Fulton, R.
1995: Funeral customs; entry in World Book Encyclopedia, 66th
edition, volume 7, pages 557 to 558.
Halberg, L.
1986: Death of a college
student:
response by student services professionals on one campus; Journal
of Counseling and Development, volume 64, number 6, pages
411 to 412.
Hudson, H.
1995: Civil rites
and ceremonies; Heritage Press, Otaki (New Zealand).
2004: Earthly
farewells: a funeral planning guide; Priory Press, Te Horo
Beach, Otaki (New Zealand); ISBN 0-582-289-1-4, 123 pages.
Metcalf, P. and Huntington, R.
1991: Celebrations
of death: the anthropology of mortuary ritual;
Cambridge University Press, Cambridge
(Cambridgeshire); 236 pages. Library of Congress call number GN486 M48.
Hutton, S.W.
1968: Minister’s
funeral manual; Baker Book House, Grand Rapids (Wisconsin);
89 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 F8 H8.
Irion, P.E.
1977: The
funeral: vestige or value?; Arno Press, New York; ISBN 0-405-09575-9, 240
pages.
Library of Congress call number BV199 F8 I7.
Lockyer, H.
1967: The funeral
sourcebook; Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids (Wisconsin);
187 pages. Library of Congress call number BV199 F8 L6.
Moorey, J.
1995: Living with
grief and mourning; Manchester University Press, Manchester (New York); 168 pages. Library of
Congress call
number BF575 G7 M654.
Norbeck, E.
1996: Funeral; entry
in Encyclopedia Americana, 68th edition, volume 12, page 168.
Oz
1993: Pagan Rites of Dying; in Modern Rites of Passage, pages 249 to
270; edited by Chas S. Clifton; Llewellyn, St. Paul (Minnesota); ISBN
0-87542-378-7, 270 pages. Library of Congress call number BF1571 M65.
Rickgarn, R.L.V.
1987: The death response team:
responding to the forgotten grievers;
Journal of Counseling and Development, volume 66, number 4, pages
197 to
199.
Rosenblatt, P.C., Walsh, R.P.
and
Jackson, D.A.
1976: Grief and
mourning in cross-cultural perspective; HRAF Press, New Haven (Connecticut);
231 pages. Library of Congress call number GN486 R67.
Simos, B.G.
1979: A time to
grieve: loss as a universal human experience; Family
Service Association of America, New York;
ISBN 0-87504-153-4, 261 pages. Library of Congress call number BJ1487
S57.
Starhawk and M. Macha
NightMare
1997: The Pagan
book of living and dying; HarperCollins, San Francisco;
ISBN 0-06-251516-0, 353 pages; Library of Congress call number BF1572
D43 S73. [note: this is the essential
Pagan book on death, dying, and bereavement.]
Waya, A. G.
1995: Dealing with the death
and dying
experience; Shamanic Applications Review,
issue number 2, pages 39 to 45.
Welch, I. D., Zawistoski,
R. F. and Smart, D.W.
1991: Encountering
death: structured activities for death awareness;
Accelerated Development, Bristol (Pennsylvania);
ISBN 1-55959-021-1, 274 pages. Library of Congress call number HQ1073.5
U6 W45.
¤ ¤ ¤
Some new types of passage rituals that we need
Passages are life events that permanently and profoundly
change
us. When we do a rite of passage for or with a friend, we are
acknowledging and supporting them in their time of change.
Unacknowledged
changes, just as permanent and just as profound, but without community
recognition and support, can leave a person feeling isolated and
vulnerable, as though they were the only person this ever happened
to, as though they no longer fit in.
Our society is changing fast, confronting many of us with
situations
our grandparents never dreamed of. Our religion encourages creativity
in ritual, so we can adapt our rites to meet our current needs
and create whatever new rites we feel are necessary. The responsibility
that comes with that freedom is to become aware of, and responsive
to, the needs of our people for rituals that can help them get
through their many changes, both happy and sad.
Some of the unacknowledged passages are simply new, the
results
of changes in the way people live, like adulthood, which we discussed
above. Others are acknowledged in a secular way, for example the
house-warming party. But a religious rite, such as a house blessing,
would help newly-moved people feel more deeply rooted in their new home.
Rites for letting go
On the average, we live longer
now. And yet mainstream
culture
tends to celebrate passages connected with gaining and growing,
but ignore those that seem to be about losing or dwindling, such
as divorce, empty nest, and the entry into old age. So the passages
for which we are most likely to need support are the ones least
supported. We need rites to help a person gracefully let go of
something they may have cherished. Handpartings and elderings we
discussed above, but should the ritual that celebrates a person's
reaching adulthood also acknowledge their parents' transition to empty
nesters? Or would it be better to conduct two different rites for this
change of relationship?
Resolution rituals
Sometimes chaotic and
traumatic events can also leave
their mark
on us. A person who has survived an earthquake, or a rape, or
a life-threatening illness will inevitably be changed by the
experience.
Ritual can help such people integrate those changes, too, grieve
and rage as they need to, but also find in them new depth and
strength, just as they would in the more predictable or welcome
passages.
Remember that traditional
tribal initiations into
adulthood often
involved some kind of test or ordeal? Based on that. there is
a great deal of information in the psychological and anthropological
literature about using ritual to transform trauma into initiation.
We might call these "resolution rituals." Just as the
therapeutic community has been experimenting with rituals to resolve
traumatic stress, Pagans have been experimenting with rituals
to heal rape or to return soldiers to peaceful status in the community.
The most important thing to
remember when creating or
conducting
a resolution ritual is that no ritual can or should return the
person to the status quo ante. The returning warrior is
now a seasoned elder. They have been permanently, and painfully,
changed by their experience. Catharsis and healing are necessary,
but they are not sufficient. A resolution ritual goes beyond healing,
allowing the survivor to own hard-won strength and wisdom and
to offer those to the service of the community. In a resolution
ritual, the survivor of trauma becomes a wounded healer. We need
rituals of resolution.
Some resources for resolution
rituals
- Chassay,
S.
- 1995: "Trauma as initiation"; Shamanic
Applications
Review,
issue number 2, pages 3 to 12.
Figley,
C & McCubbunm H.
1983; Stress and the Family Volume II: Coping
with Catastrophe, Brunner-Maxel, NY .
- Harrow, J.S.
- 1993: "Initiation by ordeal: military service as a
passage
into adulthood"; in Modern Rites of Passage, pages 129 to
164; edited by Chas S. Clifton; Llewellyn, St. Paul (Minnesota);
ISBN 0-87542-378-7, 270 pages.
Matsakis,
A
2007:
Back from the Front:
Combat Trauma, Love,
and the Family, Baltimore, Sidran
Tick, E.
2005:
War and the Soul Wheaton,
IL: Quest
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